Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
