You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
