if i can run in heels then i can drive
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
