He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
