My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
