Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
