Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
