Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
