And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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