Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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