we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
