Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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