I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
