i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
