Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
