You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
