How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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