I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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