All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
