dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
