Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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