i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
