I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
