did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
