Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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