My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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