I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
