I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
