I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
