I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
