Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
