I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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