You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
