he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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