she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
