My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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