He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
