my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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