totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
