I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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