I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
