I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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