): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
