I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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