so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
3 2 1 whiskey
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
