it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
