i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
