4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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