He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
