I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Then you guys just all showered together...?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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